Weakness
by SilverMidnight52
Summary: With Callen in the hospital Deeks has time to think about his life. He might need some guidance though. Part 6 of Deeks/Callen series.


Sequel to 'The Sick and The Injured'. Please remember that Deeks was close to losing it emotionally before Callen got hurt so if he seems a little emotional that's why.

Warning: None.

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Slamming the book he was trying to read closed Deeks shut his eyes and took an unsteady breath. He had been reading the same sentence for a week straight and he still couldn't bring himself to care enough to pay attention.

He couldn't care about anything other than his husband laying in the bed next to him. Not when said husband had been in the exact same position for a week with no signs that he was getting better despite what the doctors were saying.

The agent was fine. Perfectly fine. The bullets had done some minor damage to his intestine, but that was it. There was no major damage done and the surgery had gone off without a hitch. There was no reason for him to be in a coma.

Yet there Callen was. Laying in a hospital bed unmoving for an entire week. One entire weeks of sitting in the hospital chair waiting for the beautiful sky blue eyes to open. Hoping that he'd be able to see them once more. Just once more.

Thinking back on it he realized that it hadn't just been a week since he saw his husband's eyes. It had been almost two months. The team had a case that he knew nothing about outside of the fact that if they didn't stop whatever was happening soon they'd all be dead.

It wasn't the first time that he had heard that, but it took on a different meaning when he wasn't the one fighting the good fight. He wasn't cop by any means anymore. He was a father. His whole world was focused around his children, not anyone else.

In truth it rarely accord to him to think that the world might be coming to an end because someone decided to throw a bitch fit. He had quit thinking that it might be his last day on earth and that he should take advantage of it.

The man found himself to take a shaky breath at that. Sometimes it hit him just how much his life had changed since he left the police force. Hell, thinking about it he was nothing like the man that he used to be.

Sure he main personality traits hadn't changed, but the world that he found himself living in had. It was no longer a world where everyone was a suspect and he was hidden away from them. No, it was a normal, everyday world. The kind that normal people had.

It was so strange to think about it that way. He could remember when he first joined the police force. He had been riding high. He was helping people and making a difference. Everything was going his way.

That had lasted three months. Three glorious months of him arresting people that deserved it and saving innocent people. In his mind there was nothing better than doing a job that helped people. Nothing could go wrong.

Then he had a gun pulled on him. It wasn't the first time that had happened. Not by a long shot. One didn't grow up where he did and the way he did and not have a gun directed at them at least once in their life.

It was the first time that he was supposed to be in charge of the situation though. He was the police officer tasking on keeping people safe. He should have known what to do. Instead he had froze and everything he thought he knew went out the window. If it wasn't for his partner he'd be dead.

He didn't know why that was his breaking point, but it was. He began to think of everything as if it was the last time it would happen. His last cup of coffee. His last surf. His last sunrise. His last everything.

Deeks hated to admit it, but he had been terrified that it was going to end. That he was going to go out on a routine call and that he was never going to come back. It had caused more than a few questions to be thrown his way from the higher ups.

They were all sure that it wasn't going to survive in the field. They weren't the only ones either. He had actually begun to wonder if he should turn his badge in and go back to law. Go back to the safety of that life.

He still wasn't sure what had stopped him from doing just that. It wasn't as if that would be hard. He had been a damn good lawyer and he had loved the work. Hell, he had gotten more than a few requests to come back.

He never did though. Every morning he'd wake up and throw on his uniform and gun then go to work thinking that he wasn't going to make it to the next day. It was a cycle he repeated for years until one day he didn't think about it at all.

The thought that he might die never went away, but he no longer feared it. It wasn't as if living a normal life was any safer than being a cop. The only difference was he knew what was coming his way.

He was glad that he hadn't given up on his career. Being a cop was one of the best things that he had ever done. He would never regret the world that he had been a part of. He loved it too much to ever do that.

A part of him was also glad that it was over with too. Not because he had been tired of it, but because of the life that he had replaced it with. The life of a father was just as rewarding as the life of a cop in his mind.

For the first time in a long time he was truly happy. His family gave him a sense of purpose that not even being a cop had been able to do. He knew where he belonged and he loved having that knowledge.

He might miss the old days sometimes, but when it came down to it he didn't want them back. Even if he was able to go back to being a cop he doubted that he would. Being able to be such a large part of his children lives was better than anything he ever thought he'd have.

Deeks couldn't believe that he had forgotten all of that. That he had let himself get lost in his thoughts instead of seeing the big picture. He had an amazing life. He shouldn't have let anything cloud those thoughts.

He had just been so annoyed by his family. Both of his children were constantly pulling at his attention to the point where he felt as if he was being pulled apart at the seams trying to find a balance that didn't push one away.

Add to that the fact that he felt as if he was doing it alone despite the fact that he was married. Callen was just never at home anymore. He never realized just how often the team was called to a case when they were supposed to have a day off.

He had let it all get to him and there was nothing that he could do about it. His children were young and they were always going to need him and Callen had a job to do. A job that Deeks would never ask him to quit.

It was all too much to handle alone though. All he had wanted to do was get away from them and be alone. Like he used to do when it was just him and Monty. It had been so long since he was just alone.

As odd as it sounded the world seemed to be a hell of a lot louder now that he had lost his hearing. Maybe it was because he was forced to pay attention more, but there was just too much for him to deal with without having some kind of support.

Still, he couldn't believe that he had thought that. They were his family. His children. They were his entire heart and he loved more than anything. The last thing that he should have done was wish that he was alone.

After everything he had been through with his own family he should have known better. He always promised himself that he'd never let himself take what he had for granted. That was how someone lost everything that they ever cared for.

That's exactly what it felt like he did. He had gotten upset at Callen for doing his job and now he was in a coma and it looked like he might not wake up. He had gotten annoyed at his children and wished for time alone and now they were with Sam and Michelle at their house.

He had gone from spending every waking moment with them to seeing them for maybe an hour a day before Sam or Michelle were taking them away. He couldn't face them longer than that. Not after everything he had been feeling.

He was supposed to be strong for him when their Papa was hurt. That was the last thing that he could do. Not when he felt like was going to break at any moment. Not when he had no answers to the questions that they were plagued by.

He had tried. He really had, but having those innocent eyes staring up at him was something he couldn't handle. Deeks had never thought of himself as weak until those eyes were on him. It was like all the strength was sucked out of him.

He was their Daddy. He was supposed to have all the answers to whatever was on their mind. Especially when their Papa was laying in a bed in a coma! Answers were the last thing that he had though.

Michelle had told him that the day would come when he didn't have any answers. That they'd end up thinking something that was just too strange or brilliant and he'd go completely blank. She was right and he couldn't help but hate her for it.

If he couldn't answer their questions or comfort them when they obviously needed it than what was he good for? His only job was to take care of his children and he couldn't do it. He couldn't even stand to be in the same room as them.

He couldn't… He just couldn't do it right now. He couldn't be what they needed him to be. He couldn't be what his husband needed him to be. He couldn't be what he needed himself to be. He just couldn't…

Opening his eyes he stared down at the man he loved hoping beyond hope that he would finally be awake. He was greeted with the same sight that he always was. Callen fast asleep with no sign of waking up.

"I'm sorry," he muttered barely even noticing that he was speaking out loud, "I'm so sorry. I can't do this, G. I can't..."

Feeling the tears fill his eyes Deeks placed his head on his husband's chest and sobbed. He had tried not to breakdown, but he couldn't hold it in anymore. For the first time since he got to the hospital he let himself cry.

Laying there he didn't even bother to try and calm himself down. He was finally alone like he had wanted. There was no reason for him to pretend to be fine. He doubted that he could even if there was one

"I'm sorry, G," he sobbed against the man's chest, "I'm supposed to be stronger than this. For you. For Isabelle. For Wesley. I can't. I can't pretend to be strong anymore."

Falling silent once more he laid there for a moment not wanting to deal with anything else. He didn't care if a nurse or doctor walked in or if one of the team did. He just wanted to lay with his husband.

The tears started to slow and he began to feel the exhaustion that came with having someone you loved in the hospital. His eye started to slip shut as he let himself get lost in that feeling. He was half asleep when he felt a hand rest on his back.

Licking his lips he pulled back a little hoping that it wasn't just some dream. It took a second for him to gather the courage, but when he finally looked up he saw the beautiful sky blue eyes that he had fallen in love with staring at him.

A choked sob fell from his lips as he started to reach out towards Callen's face only to stop before he got there. There was a part of him that was still positive that it was all a dream. That the man was still in a coma.

Callen must have figured out what he was thinking because a moment later a hand came up to cup the side of his face. Linking their fingers together to nuzzled into the hand letting the warmth fill him.

For a moment they stayed there neither of them wanting to break the spell they were under. Then Deeks felt fingers tap against the side of his face causing him to open his eyes. Callen gave him a smile before pulling his hand away.

It didn't take a genius to figure out that the man was going to sign something. Still, Deeks wanted nothing more than to take hold of his hands once more and refuse to listen to what his husband had to say.

"You are not weak, Sunshine," Callen signed with shaky hands, "You're the strongest person I know."

Shaking his head Deeks closed his eyes once more. After everything that he had been feeling towards his family for the past few weeks he didn't want to listen to the man tell him that everything was okay. He didn't deserve to not feel guilty.

His eyes opened once more when he felt a calloused hand cup the side of his face and pull it so he was facing the man. Callen looked serious as he pulled his hands away once more. So serious that he couldn't look away again.

"No more hiding," Callen continued once he was sure he had Deeks attention, "It's my turn to talk. You are not weak, Marty. You're not. You are… You've been pretty much a single parent and that wasn't something that you signed up for. You went into this thinking I'd be by your side and I haven't been.

I'm sorry for that. I'm so sorry I haven't been there for you lately. It's not excuse, but we've been swamped with cases lately. One after the other after the other. Without giving any of us a chance to take some time and take a break.

Every time I think I get to go home and be with you and the kids another case comes up and I can't. I miss you all so much and every time I have to call and say I'm not coming home I feel like I've failed you and them.

I'm supposed to be their father too. I'm supposed to be by their side and by your side and I'm not. I feel like I've let you down by not being there. Like I'm not good enough for you. Like I'm not good enough for my family. Like I'm not enough."

Deeks felt his eyes widen at the older man's words. It had never occurred to him to think about what Callen must be feeling. It wasn't just him in this family. It was both of them. They were both in it together.

"Marty," Callen started once more with a smile, "I love you and I love our kids. I'm sorry that we've gotten to this point and I know that something needs to change. We've been trying to figure out a way to make it so I'm at home more. We haven't gotten very far in that line of thinking, but we're working something out. It's good to know that our family is normal in that aspect."

"Normal?" he questioned in confusion, "How do you figure?"

"Because every parent wonders if they're enough and they also get annoyed by their kids to the point of wanting to run off to an island."

"They're my children I shouldn't..."

"Exactly. Children. Two little people that need your constant attention and help with every little thing. That has got to be exhausting. You need more interaction with adults and I need to spend time with them."

"They do miss you."

"I miss them too. I miss you as well. I just… I know that you feel like you're letting them down and I feel the same way. I think that's a good thing though. If we didn't we wouldn't care."

"Sam told you that, didn't he?"

"I can have deep thoughts."

"Uh-huh."

"Shut up. Okay, yes, Sam told me that when Isabelle was a few months old."

"That long ago?"

"Yeah. I was having a bad day. You had just sent the video of her rolling onto her back and I realized that I wasn't there. That I wasn't going to be there for most of her milestones. I was actually… I was thinking of retiring."

"Retiring? You love your job."

"I do, but I love my family more. I think of retiring a lot. Every time I have to leave you and the kids to go to work. Every time I get hurt or I have to tell someone their loved one isn't coming home."

"I would never ask you to do that. You know that right?"

"I know. I think… One day I'm going retire. I will and I'm okay with that. I have something to live for outside of work. I want to retire. Which is not something I ever thought I'd want. For now though I have a lot of vacation time that I need to use up. Spend some time at home."

"You're on sick leave."

"Yeah, that's what I told Hetty."

"You got to love that woman."

"You do. Why don't you call the doctor then call Sam to bring the kids here? The rest can wait until I'm on vacation and not sick leave."

"Okay. I can do that. I'll go do that. I love you, G."

"I love you too, Sunshine."


End file.
